We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
