that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
