I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
