he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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