Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
