you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize