Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
