Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
