nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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