Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize