It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
