proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
