The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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