About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
