By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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