I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize