she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
