I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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