haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
