Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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