Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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