rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
