I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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