i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
