i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just invented taco cereal.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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