Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
