It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
