Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
