the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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