i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
