Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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