you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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