The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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