The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
