Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
