I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
