the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
