a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
