Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
