Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
