yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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