A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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