And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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