I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
