Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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