I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
