Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
