After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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