Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize