I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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