Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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