I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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