just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
