Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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