saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize