You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
