how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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