I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
