I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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