I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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