i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
